Deployments

-On deployments-
"I knew what I was getting into when I signed up". That's what I usually tell people when they ask me how it is I handle the military life. Full of deployments, frequent moving and daily frustrations, military life is less than glamorous. We were married for 6 months when i first heard the much dreaded words come softly from my new husband's lips: "Honey, it looks like I'll be deploying." Then the concerned look would come over his face, as he watched tears pool in my eyes. Through a bright smile I whispered, "it's okay..." But the tears rushed past my lids and spilled down my cheeks. He pulled my close to his chest. No words. Just his familiar warm embrace.

I often wonder what real depression and lonliness is like. I know I've felt it, but I also have the impression that it is like an abyss, it has no end. I'd be lying if I said I was able to move on and live life just fine. But I wasn't. I'd still eat and shower and stuff, but life lost its color. I remember the day he left. I tried not to cry in front of him. Even while I watched him pack his ruck sack, and completely turn the house upside down as he prepared for the next 6 months of his life...without me. I smiled for him, I said I loved him, we kissed. I went home. Alone. I cursed myself for forgetting to make love with him the night before, but he was too busy packing and I was numb.

When I got in the house, my dog greeted me. I didn't noticed her though, for the strong smell of Nate's soapy scent hit me like a ton of bricks the second I entered our house. I could hear his voice, see him laughing. But he was not there. Instead he was on a plane bound for Kuwait, with the rest fo his battalion, the Red Devils, 1/504 Parachute Infantry Regiment. How many other women felt as I did just then? But I knew in my heart that Nate was in pain too. He felt guilty for leaving his new bride home alone. I just learned to drive standard before he left. He explained the finances to me, the car title I should be on the lookout for, tithing...

I leaned on the washing machine and broke down. How am I going to do this? I wondered. My dog laid on the kitchen floor with me and we looked soulfully into each other's eyes. I still have every single phone message he left me on our answering machine. I'll never delete them.

Those were hard days. I remember feeling like my life was a dream. Our courtship was something out of a fairy tale. Our marriage was filled with discovery and laughter. When he left, it was so abrupt. Had it all been a dream? But the remnants of our time together lingered, proving that he was real. Dirty dishes stacked high in the sink, laundry piled on the bed. Our shoes lined neatly by the front door. Yes, it was real. He did exist. But reality was too quiet and too painful.

I examined the military badges he'd rummaged through. They were all scattered on the coffee table as he rushed to pack. BDU's (Battle dress uniforms), socks, books... these remnants would have to stay behind with me. I was jealous of the things that got to go with him across the world. Mere triffles that have no place in his heart, but they made it on the pack-list, I did not. I left his things exactly as he left them. Carelessly abandoned. As I felt. So I did what any other girl would have done given the chance: I packed my bags, and my dog and stayed with my mother-in-law for 2 weeks. During that time I learned to be friends with her. I learned about my husband's life before I came along. It was a time to dig into the past and be connected to the person who knew my husband the best. His mother. Having that piece of him to be near saved me. And I believe that God wanted that to happen.

-#2-
Nate had been home for a year from his first deployment when we found out he'd be going to Iraq again. Whe he told me I let out a deep breath. I think some part of me had been holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop. We had been playing make believe until that point. Make believe we are normal people who don't have to deal with deployments. Make believe he'll never leave again. But the shoe did drop. When it did, I just let it go. There was nothing I could do. Just watch it happen. Watch as my heart broke, as the fear set in. The familiar cloak of sorrow wrapping her arms around me, holding me and filling the void spot in my heart with her sad song. After a while, I actually stopped fearing sadness. Giving in to it helped me move through it. I would feel this way many times, so I had to learn how to coexist with this new friend.

But I did have doubts. Would he come home this time? We knew a lot of people who died and got injured. We were the lucky ones. Too lucky. How lucky can you be before your time runs put? But I never conveyed these feelings to him. I supported him, was strong for him. When he thought of me, I wanted him to know I was okay. This time was different as well. I had a job down the street and it kept me busy. I some ways I was better off because of the job. But at night, when I was alone, I'd cry thinking of him. All day I posed as a self-sufficient girl who could tackle anything, and at night the mask melted, and I was vulnerable, soft so very alone. If the phone rang, my heart would jump, and race- is it him? I still live for the moment when the phone rings: "Hello?" I say and hold my breath. A pause- "Carla?" His familiar voice, so rich and clear and deep sends flames to my heart, reviving it and bringing warmth back into my blood. We talk and laugh and sigh. Wishing, wanting, wondering. The world is as it should be. Was I ever sad? Oh, silly me! Then his time is up. The guy behind him needs the phone so he can call his wife. A battle rages inside me but I stifle the screams. "Okay hun, I love you so so so so much! Be careful! God bless you. I'm praying for you, I love you." Over and over. He makes me hang up first every time. I cry as I do so.

I never watched the news. It was biased anyway. I can't tell you how many times I'd hear something bad. When I heard from Nate I'd ask if it was true? It never was. The media fabricated a lot of what went on. The rest was hyped up. But the things that were true, were never really discussed the way they deserved to be. Like when someone died. Now, it's better though. I think.

Now Nate's training in Georgia. He deployed over there for 6 weeks. We've been able to visit each other though. So it's not as bad. But it still sucks.

I wonder if having children will make it feel better? Being without him. I'm sure it would be hard, but I would still have some part of him with me.

My sister once said how she thought it was so selfish of some women to want a baby before their husband's got deployed. I think she thought I felt the same way. I didn't. I told her that you have to be in the situation before you can judge. I know what it feels like to watch your husband leave you and wonder if he'll come home again. I have had that yearning of wanting to carry his child and share that joy together. She got very quiet. I felt bad.

Now today, I am at work- wasting time, wondering how on earth I ended up where I am! No kids at home. Not sure why. Finances? Fear? Not sure. But I do know that no matter how hard it gets, it can always get worse- and God prevents that from happening. The dull ache that weighs me down won't go away. When he leaves, I loathe the strength that comes over me. I want to be weak and not go on. But God prevents that too. And even still, life can be beautiful. God still smiles regardless of what I do or don't do. And for that I am in awe.

Not sure how many deployments I have ahead of me. But I hope there is a lesson to be learned. I hope that I can open my eyes and see what God wants me to see. I hope, that I can learn to be content.